


Found My Heart

by paxton1976



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Repressed, Engagement, Falling In Love, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Marriage Proposal, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:04:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9279176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976
Summary: The ones Viktor loved the most always wound up leaving him, leaving him to bury his heart.  Will meeting Yuuri cause him to find it again?We buried her less than six months later.  It was a cold and snowy day.  I stared at her casket, not listening to the priest.  It was a small funeral.  Some of mama's co-workers had attended. The nuns from the church we frequented were there. What meant the most to me was the skating community.  Everyone we met had come: my teacher from before, the parents of the other kids in my class, the skaters under Yakov and of course the man himself.  He kept a hand on my shoulder during the entire time.  I willed myself not to cry. I would be brave for mama.I buried my heart with mama that day.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fourth prompt for YOIWeek2017. I chose "Anything to do with emotions" today. 
> 
> And did I ever.
> 
> I started writing early this morning. I hadn't given much thought about what I was going to write. I had a vague idea but I decided to just start typing and see where it took me. I was reading back over it as I wrote and literally felt tears slip down my cheeks. I have never cried over anything I have ever written before. And I'm an emotionless husk!
> 
> So I hope I don't tear you apart too much. I recommend you grab your tissues. You might need them. 
> 
> Ok, real notes.  
> I don't really think there are many.  
> Sporteeveenuy Klub Chyempeeonov is the rink that the Russian Club practices. I literally had to watch episode two again so I could read the title of the building. It is hard for me to translate Cyrillic into a pronunciation that everyone can understand. The phonetics of Cyrillic are second nature to me so I really have to think about making it sound right to an English speaker. Hopefully it doesn't suck too badly.  
> Lebyazhie Pond is a real pond in St. Petersburg. I have used it before in From Russia, With Love Pt. 1, when Viktor takes Yuuri to his second most favorite place on earth.  
> I think that's it. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy Found My Heart.

You can follow me on tumblr [here](http://paxohana.tumblr.com). Stay up to date on latest chapters, story progress, if you have an idea, or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

They lied.

For as long as I can remember, the ones I loved have been torn from my life. The earliest memory I have was when I was four. I remember watching my papa's back as he walked away from mama and I. Mama was crying, eventually falling to her knees. He never once looked back. I kept waiting for him to return as I was too young to understand what was happening. I would wait at the window by the door as twilight fell. After a couple weeks of this, mama finally explained he wasn't coming back. I still remember those hot tears pouring down my cheeks and burying my face into mama's dress.

So it was just mama and me. I was the center of her world. She had to take a job, but during her free time she doted on me. Looking back, I realize she spoiled me horribly. When I was five, I begged her to let me take ice skating lessons. I had seen a young woman skating at Lebyazhie Pond that winter and was entranced. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I wanted to learn how to move like that. Mama chuckled, ruffled my head and said “Of course, Vitya. If it makes you happy, it will make me happy.” I grinned at her as my heart burst.

It turned out I was a prodigy when it came to skating. I picked up each element very easily. I was shown once, practiced for a day or two and had it perfected. It was a little harder with jumps, but I learned them much quicker than my peers. When I was six and a half, my teacher recommended I train with Coach Yakov Feltsman. She said the man would be very interested in the skill set I had developed and would be more than happy to set up a meeting with him.

Coach Feltsman agreed and met with us the following week. My heart was pounding as I waited to begin my program. It was one I had used in a youth competition earlier that month. The music started and I took off. I poured every ounce of me into that skate, even adding a few double toe loops that my instructor had forbidden me to use. I didn't fall once. By the time I had finished I was exhausted. I looked to the three adults watching me from the sidelines. My mom was shedding tears of joy. My instructor was shaking her head but I could see the slight smile. However, Coach Yakov had the scowl he had walked in with. I felt my heart begin to beat faster. He didn't like it. I wouldn't get any further with figure skating. I felt my dream slipping through my fingers.

I joined them at the divider and listened to the man berate my performance: my free leg was sloppy, my landings were shaky and why was I doing doubles at six years old? My spins were off balance. I tried to fight back tears as the man droned on. I wanted to collapse on the ice when he turned to walk away. It hurt almost as bad as watching papa walk away. But then he suddenly stopped, looked over his shoulder and said the words I remember to this day.

“I expect to see you at Sporteeveenuy Klub Chyempeeonov the day after tomorrow. Be prepared to work hard.”

And with that, he left the small rink. I just stood there, wide eyed as my teacher congratulated me and mama showered kisses on my face. I had done well. The infamous Yakov Feltsman had agreed to work with me.

On the walk home, I talked with mama about the changes that were going to be happening. I asked if she could afford it. I didn't think training under Yakov was going to be cheap and we were barely making it as it was. She smiled at me and told me not to worry about it, she would find a way. If it made me happy, it made her happy.

Coach Yakov called mama the next day. They spoke for what seemed like an eternity. Mama had shooed me to my room, but I crouched by the door of my room. I listened to mama's muffled voice, trying to make out the conversation. Mama was worried about withdrawing me from school but agreed after hearing what the man had to say. She was surprised when she found out how long I would be training each and every day. That's when her voice lowered and I could no longer understand what she was saying. I rose and flopped onto my bed. The feeling of this being a life-changing decision crept over me. I grinned like an idiot as I stared at the ceiling as I waited for mama to join me.

After a while longer, she came in and told me everything they had talked about. I was going to be taken out of school and put into Yakov's tutoring program. I would study for three hours a day on various subjects and then doing homework after practice. I would have two separate training sessions: four hours in the morning and then two hours in the afternoon. I would return home after practice. Yakov was putting me on a strict diet. I would also be enrolled in ballet lessons. Mama asked if this is what I really wanted, saying it was a lot to put on a six year old. Of course it was! It was a dream come true!

That's what started my skating career. I worked harder than I ever had in my short life. I was training with athletes of all ages. Most of them were very kind and looked out for me, but there were a few that were spiteful. They didn't understand why Yakov had brought a little “pipsqueak” into the fold. Apparently I was the youngest he had ever agreed to coach. He'd bark at them, saying he saw great things in my future. They would stop. It was a beginning of a great time for me. It also brought forth another beginning.

Mama became sick.

She began to cough more and more on our short walks home. I would ask her every night if she was alright. She waved away my worries, saying she was ok. That it was just a cold. I would lie awake at night, listening to her cough until she was breathless. She refused to see a doctor, saying it was too expensive and would take away from my coaching fees. If I was happy, she was happy.

My skating suffered as my concern for mama deepened. I was so lost in thought that I flubbed almost every jump I attempted. It got to the point that Yakov had had enough. He yelled for me to get off the ice. I skated to the edge, head down the entire time. I put my guards on, walked to a nearby bench and sat. I placed my head in my hands and began to cry silently. I didn't know the man was there until he placed one of his large hands on my shoulder, making me jump.

“Vitya, what's wrong? This isn't like you. You're my best child out there,” he asked.

“It's Mama. Something is wrong with her and she won't see a doctor. She's worried it will take away from your fee. She wants me to be happy, but I'm not happy if she's sick,” I whined, burying my face into the man's felt overcoat. Yakov was not a sensitive man, but that was the first time he hugged me.

“I'll talk to your mama, Vitya,” he promised.

Several days later, Mama went to the doctor. I was very happy that she was finally taking care of herself. I had asked where she had gotten the extra money. She told me not to concern myself with it, it wasn't something a seven year old should know. I didn't learn until much later that Yakov agreed to waive his fee so mama could go to the doctor. He also told her if she needed anything to let him know. He warned her she needed to ask as he didn't want to hear it from me again. After seeing several different doctors, they finally came to a conclusion and diagnosis.

Mama had lung cancer. It was terminal. They guessed she had less than six months to live. I'm so sorry, Ms. Nikiforov, you may want to wrap up your affairs. Spend as much time with your little boy as you can.

Yakov was there when mama told me. I looked between them as she explained she didn't have much time on this earth and she wanted to spend as much of it as she could with me. She insisted I continue skating, that she would watch me every day. I was numb. Mama was leaving me, just like papa. But this time it was going to be forever. I couldn't ever find her. I wouldn't ever see her again. Tears filled my eyes. She enveloped me in those delicate arms of hers, saying I was the best son any mother could ask for and she wished she could be there for me always.

I slept next to her every night after that. She had refused treatment as it would only buy her more time. She didn't want to be extremely ill for the rest of her days, she wanted to be there for me. She wanted to build strong memories for me to cherish in the future. She kept true to her promise. She accompanied me every day to practice, sitting on the sidelines and watched me. I would see her and Yakov talking quietly sometimes when I sped past them. She would smile and wave each time. I always wondered what they talked about, but she wouldn't tell me. She said I would know soon enough.

We made a lot of memories together. When there was a fresh snow we would go outside and make numerous snow angels. We would have snowball fights occasionally, but those stopped as mama's breathing became worse. We spent time at Lebyazhie Pond at nights, watching Aurora Borealis. It became one of my favorite things to do. She made me abzhorka at least once a week, making sure to leave out the pickles. We both giggled when she asked me not to tell Yakov she made it this often. The man would have a heart attack. She would braid my growing hair and tell me stories of her youth in Novosibirsk. She would recite Russian fairy tales at night as I twisted my fingers through her long, soft hair.

That's also the time I really began to watch her.

Her skin became ashen and she started to lose a lot of weight. There were times walking home when I would have to run to a nearby store to phone Yakov. Mama was coughing so hard she was on her knees and couldn't walk anymore. The man would show up quickly and drive us home. He would stay for a while until mama was comfortable, telling me to mind myself and ruffle my hair before he left. I would get mama anything she would need, curl up behind her and wrap my small arm around her diminishing figure.

The time came that mama could no longer care for me. Yakov moved us into his house. We didn't have any surviving relatives and he said I had too much talent to be placed in a foster home. It was a trying time. Mama couldn't make it to my practices, but Yakov would record my competitions and show them to her. The bright smile she would muster made my day and encouraged me to improve. She said she was so glad I found something I loved and would continue with when she was gone. And to always remember that if I was happy, she was happy. She started to tell me every night when I kissed her good night to forever know that she loved me with all her heart. I should have known her time was drawing to an end.

We buried her less than six months later. It was a cold and snowy day. I stared at her casket, not listening to the priest. It was a small funeral. Some of mama's co-workers had attended. The nuns from the church we frequented were there. What meant the most to me was the skating community. Everyone we met had come: my teacher from before, the parents of the other kids in my class, the skaters under Yakov and of course the man himself. He kept a hand on my shoulder during the entire time. I willed myself not to cry. I would be brave for mama.

I buried my heart with mama that day.

I poured myself into skating after that. I was no longer the playful or jovial child I had once been. I had an intense focus to improve. I wanted to do it to make mama proud. Yakov was happy with my dedication but chided me about it overtaking my life. He rambled on about having a balance in life. I needed to pay attention to my schoolwork and build relationships with my friends as well as skate. That's when I started not listening to my coach.

When I look back at the moment mama told me I'd understand what Yakov and her were talking about, it dawned upon me when I was placed under my coach's care. Mama had left me in his guardianship. It was a time of adjustment. The man really was not prepared to be a parental figure. His wife was even worse. Lilia was interesting. She was a former prima ballerina so she was used to be demanding. Let's face it: she was a bitch. Still is. The only good thing about Lilia is I had my own ballet instructor on hand at all times. She took over my lessons and if I thought Yakov was ruthless, she was sadistic. The woman had me in tears so many times after berating me. She would make me so angry I just wanted to choke her. But I had to admit she made my skating become more graceful and flawless.

By the time I was sixteen I was proclaimed one of the best in the world. I had become extremely self-centered and arrogant. I knew I was good and now the world realized it. I did everything I could to surprise the audience. I would shock them with my personal life as well. I developed my trademark smile. It made women and men swoon and fall at my feet. I was seen in the company of many famous people and had highly publicized relationships with a few of them. I would sneak into clubs and draw attention to myself. I had numerous flings with both women and men, though I quickly discovered I was more attracted to men. I grew my hair out and acted gender fluid. I knew I was gay, but the world didn't have to know that. It wasn't exactly a thing you expressed in Russia. I was already causing enough commotion.

The years passed quickly. I became bored with competing. Nothing was new. There really wasn't anyone challenging at that time. Yeah, Chris and JJ were good but they just didn't have that spark. I was frustrated with my routines. I was losing my motivation. I began to give serious consideration to retiring, but what would I do with my life then? All I had known was skating. I didn't go to college. I didn't have any other skills. I could coach or teach but my heart wasn't into it.

I knew by the time the Grand Prix Finals came around that year I had to make a decision. I was warming up along the side and watching the other skaters from a screen across from me. There were some skaters that showed promise for the future, but nothing overly exciting. This year was proving to be very boring. Chris' routine was extremely sexual, as usual. JJ's ego had grown over the past year. There was a new kid, Otabek, that was pretty interesting to watch.

And that's when I saw him.

My heart skipped a beat from his overwhelming beauty. The way his body flowed was mesmerizing. His step sequence flawless, his spins exquisite. His jumps were another story. He fell more often than not. But the emotion he displayed held me entranced. His sadness and desperation tugged at me.

I hadn't realized I had stopped stretching until Yakov yelled at me, asking if I was done fawning over an incompetent skater. I frowned at him and continued going through my routine. I waited for my turn to take the ice. I was after Georgi, so I waited on the sidelines and watched the man's program. It was alright. He had room for improvement but I would let Yakov tell him. It was finally my turn. My routine that year was “Stay Close to Me”. I dedicated it to mama.

I won gold that year. Again. Big surprise. I was admonishing Yuri as we were leaving when I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Someone was watching me. I turned around and saw a young oriental man staring at me. He was cute, but those glasses he was wearing were hideous. I gave him my infamously fake smile and asked if he wanted to take a commemorative picture with me. I watched disappointment wash over his face, shoulders slumping as he turned and left the building.

A year had passed since I heard about that Japanese skater that had captivated me at the Finals. I found out after the event that his name was Katsuki Yuuri and he was quite good, it just hadn't reflected that night. Honestly, I was excited to see something about the young man again. My social media accounts had been flooded with the same link while I was sleeping. I sat on the couch, Makkachin jumping into my lap and clicked the link.

It was a video of Yuuri. Skating my routine. Stay Close to Me. Mama's routine.

I was overcome with emotion as I watched the man pour his all into it. Even though there was no music in the background, you could hear as his body created it. His fluidity was perfect. He captured the very essence of the program. I was enamoured.

I had to meet this young man. He needed to back on the ice. He needed to stay there.

So I flew out to Japan and pretty much shocked the world. I don't think they were as shocked as much as Yuuri was though. I thought the young man was going to pass out the minute I told him I was going to be his coach. Instead he just shrieked and ran away. To say the least, it was amusing.

We spent the next month getting him back into shape. He had grown a little chubby over the year, but honestly I thought it was adorable. The man was an open book yet closed off. You could easily read his emotions when you looked into his face, but you couldn't tell what was going on in that mind of his. He was afraid to let anyone in. He was afraid to get hurt or rejected.

He was a lot like me.

As the days passed we became a little more comfortable with each other. His confidence grew slightly. I silently showed him I believed in him and encouraged him to do his best. He was receptive to my training. I could tell he was in awe of me, that I was there with him. His sister had explained one night after he had gone to bed that Yuuri was a huge fan of mine. I was the one that inspired him to skate. But the nice thing was he didn't treat me like most of my fans did. He didn't gush over me or fall at my feet. He treated me like a normal person. I really admired that about him.

And that's about the time that Yurio decided he just had to crash the party.

The brat had come to Japan and rambled about me promising to choreograph his senior debut program. He demanded I return to Russia with him and begin immediately. Honestly, I didn't remember but I'm known for forgetting things. I'm a bit of an airhead. The look of despair on Yuuri's face had me stopping in my tracks. I had to think of something quickly to ease the young man's mind.

That's when I came up with the Onsen on Ice face-off. Whoever won would get their wish.

Yurio wanted me to return to Russia and coach him through his first senior season. Typical of the young man as his entire life was skating. He was just like me at that age, just with a worse attitude. Yuuri's wish warmed my heart though. He just wanted to eat katsudon with me. I smiled at him. I had told him that he couldn't have katsudon unless he won a competition. What made the wish special is he wanted to share it with me. He wanted to spend time with me. No one had wanted to since mama. I was touched like I hadn't been in a long time.

They were assigned their routines and were not happy with it. Yurio was given unconditional love while Yuuri was assigned sexual love. The programs were the exact opposite of who they were. I figured it would be a chance for both of them to grow. They both struggled to find the feeling they needed to perform successfully. I could tell when Yurio finally found his. I was proud of the boy. But Yuuri was still trying to find his Eros. I silently cheered for him.

The day of the face-off finally arrived and the men were in back warming up. I watched both of them, trying to gauge how they were feeling. I wasn't the best at reading people, but I could tell Yurio was uneasy but confident in his abilities. Yuuri was terrified. I wanted to ease his fears but I had to remain objective. I couldn't favor one over the other.

Yuuko came back and let us know it was time to start. Yurio performed a perfect program but lost his Agape close to the end. It was the best he had ever skated but it was missing something. It was now Yuuri's turn.

I found the young man lost in thought. I called his name to get his attention and watched his hands fly up to cover his mouth. He looked me dead in the eye and told me he was going to become the sexiest katsudon ever. Then he asked me to watch him. I told him of course I would, I love katsudon. Which brought me back to the feeling that had been growing over the past month.

I was slowly falling in love with the man.

His passion and drive were admirable. His sincerity towards me had me feeling like I hadn't in many years. His shyness was adorable, but not as adorable as his blushes. And if I was being honest with myself, he was fucking gorgeous. He would never admit it though. He wasn't egotistical like most skaters either. He really was refreshing. I crossed my fingers and hoped Yuuri would blow me away.

And oh did he ever.

The moment he looked at me I felt heat rush through my body. Yuuri had found his Eros. It was alluring. It was irresistible. It was erotic. I wanted it. I wanted him.

I continued to watch his routine. I tried to separate myself from aroused man and look at it from a coach's point of view. I made notes on everything we would need to work on and winced when he touched down during his salchow, but it was a wonderful program. He really captured the essence of Eros. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. I knew who the winner was.

I remained in Japan and Yurio returned to Russia. We spent the next few months practicing and getting to know each other. Yuuri was becoming more comfortable when I touched him. He knew I was physically attracted to him, but I wouldn't let him know the feelings ran deeper. I wasn't ready to open myself up to that just yet.

He had won the local competition and was assigned to Cup of China. It was strange being there as a coach instead of a participant. I saw comrades I had trained with in Russia and listened to their rude remarks about Yuuri. It really pissed me off. They didn't understand the man's abilities. I told them he was definitely worth my time through clenched teeth. I became enraged when I turned around and saw Chris grab Yuuri's ass. I was seething by the time I reached them. When had I become so possessive of the young man?

I watched as Yuuri continued to warm-up. It was obvious someone had said something to him. He was lost in his own mind, hopelessly distracted yet focused at the same time. When it was Yuuri's turn he took the ice and met me at the rail. I placed my hand over his and told him to seduce me with everything he had. He laced his fingers through mine, pressed his forehead against mine and looked me straight in the eye.

“Don't ever take your eyes off me,” he said.

That's the second time since meeting the man my heart skipped a beat. I watched as he performed a flawless program. I was so proud of him. Whatever had happened had motivated him. I hoped he could keep that motivation for future performances.

We waited at the kiss and cry for his scores. He had surpassed his personal best and was currently in first place. He remained in first after the rest of the performances. I could tell Yuuri was shocked. He wasn't used to being the one to beat. We went out for a light dinner and walked back to the hotel. When we reached the door of his room, I advised him to rest and kissed his cheek. I went to my room, wishing the young man was joining me.

The next day was a complete 180 from the day before. Yuuri was exceedingly nervous. He couldn't nap, he couldn't watch the others, he couldn't even open his damn water bottle. He needed to get away from everyone. I dragged him to the parking garage, hoping it would calm him down. It did for a little while, but the roaring of the crowd had him panicking again. I covered his ears and yelled at him not to listen. Why was he so anxious?

It was time for us to go upstairs. Yuuri was still a wreck. He needed motivation. I thought quickly. What could possibly motivate him? I called his name and waited for him to turn around. I told him that if he failed to make the podium, I would take responsibility and resign as his coach. What I hadn't expected was his reaction.

He cried.

Yuuri screamed at me. He cried he was used to being blamed for his mistakes, but this time if he messed up it would reflect upon me as well. He had wondered if I wanted to leave him, which I assured him I didn't. He yelled that he knew that. I didn't know how to handle this. I had never been good at reading others. I offered to kiss him, maybe that would make it better. He shrieked that he didn't need a kiss, he needed me to believe he'd win more than he believed in himself. But I already believed in him. I knew if I told him at that moment it wouldn't do any good. So I stayed silent and stood by him. We made our way back to the ice and waited for his turn.

He surprised me. He was relaxed. He was composed. He even smiled. He messed up a few jumps which should have been easy, but he recovered. What absolutely floored me was his quad flip. When had he learned that? He was showing me through his performance that he would exceed my expectations of him, that he was worth my time. When he finished, I had to cover my face to gain control over my emotions. This man continued to astonish me time and again. He was waking feelings that I had thought dead since mama passed away. He was tearing the wall around my heart apart brick by brick.

While he was bowing amidst the cheers of the crowd, I raced to the entrance of the kiss and cry. He must have seen me running as he barreled across the ice. He asked if he did great. Oh did he ever. I needed to surprise him more than he surprised me. I waited for him to get closer and jumped. Right into his outstretched arms.

I kissed him in front of the entire world.

Yuuri won the silver at China. I was very pleased with him. Last year he had squeaked by on an alternate space. This year he had a medal to show for it. On the way back to the hotel, he was very quiet. He told me we needed to talk. Fear flooded through my body. Last time I heard that phrase mama was leaving me. I didn't want him to leave me as well. He had become very important to me.

I sat in the chair in his room and listen to him speak. He told me he knew I tried to help him, but when he's in the midst of a panic attack that is the last thing he needed. What I had said was his worst fear confirmed. He didn't want me to leave. He needed me to believe in him and be his strength. He reminded me that he wanted me to just be me. Not Viktor the superstar or coach, just Viktor.

I fell in love with him even more at that moment.

I told him I wasn't good at this coaching thing but was trying my best. He told me he would be patient as I was patient with him. I suggested we work on our communication. We needed to be honest when one did something the other didn't like or if something was bothering us. He agreed and decided now was the perfect time to start.

I was scared. I didn't know what he was going to say. He wanted to know what was he to me. I had to think for a minute, trying to put it into words. I told him he was my student, my friend, my confidante, my inspiration. The man blew me out of the water with his resilience. He scoffed at me, saying there was no way. I was a better man than him. I had to explain that what he saw and knew was a facade. I didn't have it together. I was only successful because skating was all I had done in life. I didn't have any friendships or relationships because I didn't make the time for them. I only had emotionless flings.

I saw Yuuri's eyes change at that moment. Tears filled his eyes as he asked if he was only a fling, saying he couldn't take it if he was. My heart broke for him and I knew I had to tell him the truth. That final brick fell away.

I told him I loved him

I confessed that he made me feel alive. He saw the real me and cared for me. I told him it made me so very happy being part of his life. He burst into tears. I gathered him into my lap and held him until he stopped. I felt a happiness I hadn't felt in ages. I finally knew what mama meant when she said “If it makes you happy, then it makes me happy.”

Things got easier after that. We had almost two weeks before Russia and had to train to get ready for it. I knew Yuuri was worried. It was my home country. He admitted before China that he felt as if he stole me away from the world. He thought he would be the most hated man in the world for it. And no where would the hate be more apparent than Russia. I spent the entire time trying to ease his fears.

It was a nice time. We balanced work with play. We often went out after practice and explored the small town. We saw the worst movies known to man. We ate more ramen than we should have. We even got drunk a time or two. It was also a time that something very important happened.

I asked Yuuri to become my boyfriend.

Yuuri hated titles. I knew that. So I asked him to enter an exclusive commited relationship with me. I had never seen someone's eyes dance with joy while their expression remained blank. He threw his arms around me and crushed his lips to mine. I had just snagged my first boyfriend.

Russia was rough. He broke his personal best for his short program once again. Yurio did amazing. I was proud of the teen even though he was a jerk. When he acted like that, I just had to keep goading him. I know it wasn't right, but it was so much fun.

My world fell out under me when Mari called Yuuri. He whipped his head to look at me as he listened to his sister speak. He spoke in serious tones, but I couldn't understand as it was in Japanese. He hung up and rushed to me. He told me Makkachin had gotten into some buns and the vet didn't know if he would make it. They had gotten stuck in his throat. He would be undergoing emergency surgery. Yuuri insisted I go home.

I couldn't do this. Another one I loved was dangling in front of me, threatening to be yanked away. I thought of how unfair life was. I wanted to be with Makkachin. He was a huge part of my life. But I needed to stay with Yuuri. He counted on my support. I was torn.

Yuuri told me he'd be ok. I needed to go. If something happened I would never forgive myself. I knew he was right. I was touched by the young man's determination that I go back home. I fell even more in love with him.

I flew back home, leaving Yuuri in Yakov's hands. I didn't watch the performance until after Yuuri returned to Japan. I knew he made fourth place and only made it to Finals because of his placement in China. I was proud of him though. He hadn't self-destructed. He kept fighting. As we watched his routine together, I mentioned what he could work on and what needed to be tweaked. We had our work cut out for us. I ended the lecture with a soft kiss on his lips, letting him know how proud of him I was.

We had ten days until Barcelona. The days up to leaving were a blur. We refined Yuuri's free skate. He continued practicing quad flips, but couldn't seem to land them. I had him watch me jump, but he couldn't get the execution right. I advised him to scrap the jump and go back to a quad toe loop. We also worked on an exhibition program. He needed it if he won.

Before we knew it we were in Barcelona. We practiced the first day we were there. When Yuuri was done I suggested we go back to the hotel and rest. He refused. He wanted me to show him around the town. I had only been here twice before but was happy to do so. We went everywhere. We ate. We drank. We shopped. We exchanged engagement rings.

Yeah, engagement rings.

Yuuri said it was a good luck charms but we both knew better. Our relationship was declared not long ago, but it had been building for almost a year. We both knew it was inevitable. I agreed with it for the time being. I didn't want him to be more overwhelmed than he already was.

We joined some fellow skaters at a nearby cafe and had dinner. Chris noticed our rings and wondered why we had them. Phichit, oh dear Phichit, congratulated us on our marriage and announced it to the entire restaurant. I chuckled as Yuuri had an embarrassed meltdown. I explained they were engagement rings. We would get married when Yuuri won gold. Yuuri just gaped at me. I smirked in amusement as Yurio scowled and pretend he was puking. That kid was too much.

The short program the next day went very well. He was in second place. What was surprising was watching JJ self-destruct. His ego had finally deflated, causing him to land sixth place. But that didn't really matter to me. What mattered was my Yuuri. Something was bothering him.

I took a shower when we got back to our room. He said he wanted to talk with me when I got done. I sat on the ledge and asked him what was on his mind. I felt my heart shatter when I heard his words. He wanted to end us when the Finals were done. Tears flooded my eyes. I felt one drop and hit my foot. I was angry. How dare he be so selfish? This was a decision we needed to make together. He said he observed me when I was watching the other skaters. He could tell I wanted to return to competition. He needed to end his career so I could continue mine. I roared at him. I demanded to know why would I want to return when he wouldn't be there. He was what motivated me. And this wasn't even about skating. This was about us! He was the most important person in the world to me. He said he was slowly killing me. He couldn't do that to me. I confessed that if it was, I'd rather die a thousand times over than leave him. I did want to return to skating, but I wanted to return with him. I asked him to come to Russia with me. I wanted to go back under Yakov's tutelage and couldn't coach him from Hasetsu. When we both retired, we could revisit our relationship goals and decide where we wanted to spend the rest of our lives.

He was speechless. Several moments passed before he finally nodded. I jumped up, pressed him into the mattress and kissed him senseless. I fell into a blissful sleep that night, holding him the entire time. I was extremely happy.

The following day Yuuri performed beautifully. He showed his love through his program. The love he felt, the love he received from others, the love for us. He yelled exuberantly after his was done. When he reached the kiss and cry, I threw my arms around him and kissed him for the second time in front of the world. His blush when we pulled away was entirely worth it.

My Yuuri had won silver at the Grand Prix Finals. I was overjoyed.

We spent a few more days in Barcelona and then returned to Hasetsu. His family threw a lavish party for the young man. Everyone (well, not every single person) had shown up to celebrate. He was the man of the hour after all. I decided now was the time.

I dragged him to the middle of the room and called for everyone's attention. I wanted to make this quick as I knew Yuuri didn't like being in the spotlight. I told everyone how much he had grown through the year and what a remarkable skater and man he had become. I was so happy at how he had done at Finals that year, stating I would have been proud even if he hadn't won a medal. That's when I turned him.

I looked into his eyes and told him how much he meant to me. I loved every little thing he did. I wanted him with me always. I wanted him to be my husband.

I asked Yuuri to marry me. He said yes.

It was a happy yet sad time. I had to leave for Russian Nationals. We were going to be apart for a month or so. We talked constantly but it wasn't the same. I yearned for him more than I had anything in my life. I waited impatiently at the airport the day he flew in. He ran into my arms the minute he saw me and we just stood, hugging for what seemed an eternity.

When we made it back to my apartment, I kissed him for all he was worth. That kiss told him how much he meant to me, how happy I was that he was here, how much I had missed him. We pulled apart, grinning at each other like idiots. Boxes of his belongings were scattered across the apartment. He was tired but wanted to begin unpacking immediately. He wanted to start on his bedroom items first.

We each grabbed a box and rifled through the items. I teased him about bringing the entire onsen with him. I didn't realize he owned this much stuff! Out of the corner of my eye I saw him lift an envelope. His brow furrowed and he looked at me.

“What's up?” I asked.

“I had forgotten that mom found this in your room after you left. She asked me to give it to you,” he said, handing me the envelope. I looked at the writing on the yellowed envelope. I stopped breathing.

It was my mom's writing.

With shaking hands, I opened it and took the lightly scented stationery out. I closed my eyes and breathed in the aroma. My mother loved spraying rose perfume onto the vellum when she wrote letters. The memory made me smile. Yakov had given it to me when I was fourteen, but I hadn't read it until now. I unfolded the letter and began to read. Sadness and happiness washed over me at the same time. I felt tears falling. I finished reading, buried my head in my hands and cried.

I hadn't cried like this since mama became ill.

Yuuri was scared. I had never fallen apart in front of him. I smiled through my tears and explained it was a letter from mama. I had told him about her before. We would spend nights cuddling in the baths, him listening to me relaying every memory I had of her. Sharing this with him helped keep her alive in my heart. It made me remember her. It also made me fall in love with the man more. He said he loved mama from what I had said about her. It was one of the best compliments I had ever received. I asked him if he would like me to read it to him. He replied only if I wanted to, he didn't want to make me uncomfortable. I grabbed his hand and squeezed gently. I looked at the elegant scrawl of writing, closed my eyes and began to read aloud.

 _“My dearest Vitya,_  
_If you are reading this, I have gone to the heavens and am watching over you from afar. I asked Yakov to give this letter to you when he felt you were ready. I know it wasn't supposed to turn out like this, my love. I was to remain with you until I was old and grey. But God had other plans. They say He gathers the good around Him while they are still young. I never thought I was good, but if I am it's because you made me that way. You are the star in my life. You are my joy. You are my everything. You were my reason for living. Even though I'm gone, you are still my reason. I can't apologize enough for not being there physically. My body was worn out._

_But Vitya, I know you. You are a very passionate young man. You feel everything so very deeply. I know my death is going to impact you so much. But my love, I want you to carry on. I want to live through you. I want you to achieve the greatness you are destined for. I want you to know the love I have with you; whether it be with a child of your own or the love of your life._

_I know my end is very near. I leave you in the care of Yakov, as he knows you best and what you need. Realize I will forever be in your thoughts, your soul, and your heart. I will be with you until the day you join me. Vitya, you have made me so very happy. I found my happiness in you. Let it live on._

_Love always, forever and ever,_  
_Mama”_

I collapsed into Yuuri's arms, crying uncontrollably. I didn't know how long I had cried but he held me the entire time. I hoped mama wasn't disappointed in me. I had buried my heart for so long and she just wanted me to be happy. I hadn't been happy for so long. I immediately knew that going to Japan was the best thing I could have ever done. I had found true happiness then. I found the love of my life. I found my reason for living.

I had found Katsuki Yuuri.

He lifted my chin with his forefinger and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. He pulled back and smiled.

“Your mother was beautiful,” he said softly.

“She was, inside and out. I'll have to show you a picture sometime. We'll have to go through more boxes though,” I replied, laughing through tears.

“Viktor?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you happy?”

I smiled and pressed my lips to the knuckles of each of his hands.

“Overwhelmingly so, Yuuri. Do you know why?”

“No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me,” he joked.

“I found my heart.”

**Author's Note:**

> Be sure to check out my other Yuri!!! on Ice fics!
> 
> You can find them [here](http://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976).


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